"Angel Catcher" A Journal

I've recently begun attending meetings with The Compassionate Friends, a grief support group for families who have experienced the death of a child. Through this organization, I've found comfort in being with "my own kind" once a month and talking about many topics of relevance to all of us. Even though at this particular Chapter I'm one of the few whose child has died from cancer (the majority of the other children died under more sudden, traumatic circumstances) we find parallels in the aftermath because the bottom line is still the same.
Our children are no longer here. How do we go on?

During a discussion at a recent meeting, a comment was made ~ "I'm forgetting some things about my child. I can't remember ..."

Those words absolutely scared me silly! I don't want to forget ANYTHING about Erin!

I took a lot of deep breaths on the way home, and after settling down realized that in this particular case I had an advantage, a blessing is a better word, that those parents whose children had died suddenly did not. I knew for a long time that the cancer would eventually take Erin, and that awareness afforded me the opportunity to absorb her in a way those others didn't because they had no idea what lay ahead of them. Their beloved children were here one day and gone the next, without warning. I've mentioned my gratitude for this "gift of knowing" in several previous blog posts.

Since writing has evolved into a personally fulfilling avenue of expression, I have resurrected treasured memories and recorded them, sharing some with those of you who choose to follow my blog, grateful for your interest. Other things are journaled privately, for my eyes and heart only. Boxes of photographs conjure even more images, and I carry a small notebook wherever I go to jot things down as unexpected triggers randomly blindside me. I don't want to forget anything!

I'm also incredibly fortunate to have the daily events of nearly two years recorded in our Gratitude Journals, with words written in Erin's own hand evoking a flood of vivid recollections of experiences during that period of time.
(About a month ago we experienced some severe thunderstorms, complete with tornado sirens blaring warnings to head for the basement. Dave arrived home from work just as the storm was really kicking in, and found me running around FRANTICALLY gathering these Journals and boxes of photos, yelling "We have to take these down to the basement! Oh my God, don't you realize it's storming?!" With water dripping on the kitchen floor from his clothes, he calmly looked at me in my state of irrational panic and said, "This isn't Kansas Dorothy! The house will not be airborne." OK, but I was really freaked, and "Toto" was certainly glad when Dave got home because I had been making him nuts too, as he'd scurried around after me wondering what all the fuss was about.)
note to Erin ~ I put my shoes on, in case there was rubble:)

Well, a few days ago I received a beautiful and most-appropriate gift from a friend.


This book is an extraordinary journal in which to document memories of a loved one. It is not targeted only to those of us whose children have died. It can be used as a vehicle to remember anyone dear to you ~ parent, friend, sibling...
(Amazon carries the book, and you can click on the link and read more information at their site.)

Statements on some pages encourage the remembrance of things forgotten due to the cloud of grief aftermath. Others bring details, maybe buried due to feelings of pain or guilt, to the surface. Some even gently remind you that your loved one was not necessarily the bastion of perfection you'd like to remember them as, and suggest they've really not been elevated to the level of sainthood.

FACT ~ Erin was sometimes a really snotty teenager!

Meaningful, appropriate quotes are interspersed throughout the book. Questions invite you to think about a multitude of topics, and space is provided after each to fill in your own thoughts. You just have to let them flow...

Some are light-hearted.
BELLY LAUGHS
I can't keep from laughing when I remember ~
I loved your face when you ~
Right now I can imagine you are smiling because ~

Others are thought-provoking.
IF I HAD GONE FIRST
I keep wondering how you would have been if I had died first. What sort of funeral would you have given me?
What would you have said about me?
How would you be now?

More look to the future and dare you to dream of a life without that person.
PUSHING ME
You always encouraged me to ~
Now that you aren't here, I have to do it myself. Today I will ~
I think you would be proud of the fact that I ~

These are just a few examples of SO many great suggestions.

A Kahlil Gibran passage provides a very personal finishing touch to my appreciation of this book. I understand his exquisite words to mean that the surrender, or the willing release, of all our earthly holds allows us to attain the ultimate reward in God's kingdom ~ the essence of death and rebirth for all.

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

~ From The Prophet "On Death"

The depth of his words also hit me from a more concrete, physical standpoint because of the way the cancer filled Erin's lungs, and invaded her bones ~ surgeries, stealing pieces of her little-by-little. Due to that AWFUL tangible evidence, I love the image of her breath, free from its restless tides... unencumbered ~ and it is with geat joy that I can picture her TRULY DANCE!

If I am quiet and listen carefully, I can hear your voice inside me.
Here is what it is saying ~

(Words in gray quoted from "Angel Catcher - A Journal of Loss and Remembrance" by Kathy Eldon and Amy Eldon Turtletaub.)