With One Foot in 2011

My new Jennifer Garant Calendar is on the wall, and 2010 is history.
I just can't believe a whole year has come and gone!

Over the course of the past week I read over all of my blog posts since I began my foray into writing last February, and I found the entries to be a pretty accurate indicator of the ebb and flow path I've traveled during this first year after Erin's death. Wow, I was all over the place, wasn't I?

There were the occasions when true happiness was front and center. I love to see photos of myself and read accounts of those events.

Joy. Who'da thunk it?

At other times I grabbed opportunities, and was driven by an enthusiasm that rose from deep within, with eagerness and passion for a cause directing my days and giving me a sense of pupose.

I'm so grateful for those times, the spirited and the deliberate, for they help offset the others; when during those 365 days a page of my daily planner would turn, flippantly it seemed, and DARE me to face yet another grey morning. God, there's pain in those words that I wrote, and yet I won't deny their rightfully earned existence ~ those times when I stared at the awful vignettes that my mind will never fully release and I was consumed by overwhelming sadness.  Really really gone...

After all is said and done, at the beginning of 2011 I'm intact,

and I consider the survival of 2010 an accomplishment.

Our family weathered the year of Firsts without Erin. We stumbled, then righted ourselves through holidays, her birthday and the one year death anniversary, and we learned. It will be an ongoing process of adjustment as family dynamics change in the years to come, but I feel we did a darn good job considering our lack of experience on this particular subject.

Personally, I found the secret was to surround myself with family and friends with whom I could both acknowledge the sadness of that gaping hole in the landscape of my life and live in the present moment of the day's event ~ a successful integration of the two scenes. Tricky? Yep, sometimes. It depended on the cast of participants in the given scene. Since no one can ever fill the space Erin left, the presence of her spirit has to be a recognized accompaniment to each scene, not an unmentionable apparition to be ignored or gracelessly tip-toed around. The presence of people surrounding me can't take the place of the absence of Erin.

One is exclusive of the other
so, in effect, she needs to be invited to the party.

She's there in the 2010 Christmas pictures.  Do you see her?

She's captured in the spontaneity of the moments.

As I step out of 2010 and put a tentative foot into 2011, I still feel as though I'm in a free-fall, flailing about without mission or direction, and that sensation continues to terrify me. Even now, a year later, I haven't grown accustomed to the lack of routine and schedules that defined my life for as long as I can remember. The rug was pulled out from under nearly everything familiar and dear to me. It's a vulnerability that is unsettling and confusing. Some thrive on the freedom offered by a lack of structure. I don't.

So, my foremost goal in 2011 is to find that avenue ~ a focus through which to channel my attributes. I'm pretty sure I can still recognize most of them, although at times it feels as though they've deserted me... laid to rest in the earth with Erin. Damn, I used to be so confident!

I keep reminding myself to break things into reasonable portions and take small bites so as not to choke on the entire daunting task before me, so I will effort to heed the wisdom of the Kelty quote in my sidebar, and then ~

• Eat more sensibly and exercise more consistently - seems to be on everyone's resolution list.
• Read more. Some people say really great things, and you occasionally have to look between the lines, but it's worth the extra time involved.
• Continue to write my blog as a means of expression and to provide a pathway of communication with others.
• Work to strengthen existing relationships with friends and family who've persevered my storm, and look for ways to foster new companionships with those who get IT.
• Stay in touch with others in my shoes, for they offer a safety net of understanding through their own experiences, and we often keep one another from hitting the ground too hard when those moments come.
• Take deep breaths when I become anxious.
• Wallow when I feel sad.
• Remain open to suggestions from others.
• Look for ongoing opportunities to get involved in causes that move me.
• Clean a few closets and organize ignored corners that have collected cobwebs, including some recesses in my brain.
• Try to walk forward, even when my knees are knocking.
• Have fun!

Black-eyed peas are said to bring good luck,

and so I made some Hoppin' John for dinner on New Year's Day.
Hey, it's worth a try!

With one foot in 2011, I'm hoping to build on knowledge gained in 2010 and bring my other foot forward with more confidence, because those daily pages just keep on flipping.

And I was reminded by someone special that "every day is a learning experience and every event changes us in some way". This wise young lady is in her first year of college and aspires to be a pediatric oncology nurse. You go girl!

2011 resolutions anyone?