"For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining
is let it rain."
— Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
straightforward, elementary, logical
a slap of common sense
there are days when i am SO TIRED of trying to be brave or happy
for everyone else and for myself
i know that is what erin would want, but she can't always have what she wants
she told us to "have fun" but it's not always possible
when it's all just confounding, overwhelming and absurd
when i miss her so badly that it's hard to breathe
it's so difficult to constantly redirect the negative thoughts and be positive
when SHE'S REALLY NOT COMING BACK! is pounding on the back of my skull
sometimes it is all just too hard...
and so on this chilly, dreary, rainy "spring" day
after not having erin here on christmas or on easter
or on my birthday
or just a couple of days ago on mother's day (which was the hardest so far)
and on all the rest of the days in between
and on this day, just three days before her 19th birthday
when she should be just arriving home after completing her first year of college
~ after playing division I volleyball like her teammates
~ after making new friends
~ while starting the next chapter of her vibrant young life
she won't be here on friday when the calendar says it's may 14, 2010
happy birthday erin
i am just going to wallow in it all like matty did
here in the mud puddle in the back yard a long time ago
because it feels better to just immerse myself in it
to sit in the sadness
and let the pain ooze
longfellow's quote is simple, right-on
sometimes it's just not worth fighting it
and because my broken heart just hurts
there are days when it's better to just go with it
Haldir the elf: "The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places;but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands, love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater."
ReplyDelete-J R R Tolkien
The Fellowship of the Ring
I have been holding you in my thoughts these last few weeks, even more than usual, anticipating all these tough milestones as you begin to navigate the world without Erin. I don't know how you do it. And I love you all the more because you do.
I will be here, always, wrapping you in love and comfort.
Reed
Hi
ReplyDeleteI know it is your blog, and I know you get to write whatever you want to write, but it is about putting one foot in front of the other and getting on with it....you are making an impact with your blog..helping those who have never lost anyone to know what it is like and helping those who have lost someone to not feel so alone...Count your blessings my dear and try like Erin did to find good things to be thankful for everyday...in the faking in you start to practice making it and moving on with the life you have been given, not the one you wanted...sent with respect and admiration!
OUCH!
ReplyDeleteI cannot image the shoes you are wearing Mary. I hold you deep in my heart and I am filled with admiration as you walk this path with grace and style. Keep writing... I always find inspiration! To Anonymous...I am a big fan of the way Mary is living this life in a new way, not by choice, but clearly folowwing her heart.
ReplyDeleteMary--
ReplyDeleteYou Are "GETTING ON WITH IT". This may take a different form everyday, and that is OK. Erin would agree with you, and I know that she is proud in her heart of the path that you are taking. I admire the way that you count your blessings & find good things to be thankful for everday. You strengthen yourself, and you are an inspiration to all of us.
Hi Mary,
ReplyDeleteIf I could wrap my arms around you and envelope you some sort of blanket of love and security that would take away all those feelings and put you at peace, I would...and I don't even know you. I haven't read all your notes yet, but I know a little about your situation because my college roommate and good friend Denise has made donations to my kids' fundraising efforts for cancer on your Erin's behalf.
I know that when you lose someone special none of it makes sense, and there are days where you do need to just wallow in it, and days where you need to talk about "it" and days where you need to talk about that special person - and I know that many people cannot bear to be on the listening end of that. Does it make them uncomfortable? or afraid, or challenged beyond their ability to deal with YOU...they can't make it all better. THEY can go on with their lives and not have it slap them in the face every time they turn around that something very important is really MISSING in life as we know it and experience it. Sure, we know our special one is there in spirit, and she will always live on in the hearts of all those who knew her and loved her - but there are days where that just doesn't feel like enough. And I don't really suppose just pretending and putting on a happy face or strong face makes it all better. Oh, if you exercise those skills, you may get better at them. Is that a good thing? I guess it makes it easier for those around you to think you are doing better and moving on. I know you do that, probably most of the time. Better than I could ever hope to do that. And that is so strong of you, when you might rather just curl up and sink into a hole... I know you do it every day for the family you have who are alive. So - if you want to have a day where you wallow...you can have it. Or as many as you need.
I apologize if this was rambling - I am trying to get ready to go to Chicago for my daughter's college graduation, and I am spinning my wheels. I saw your post. I want to support you in what you wrote. I too reacted with an "ouch" and felt the sting. Not to what you said, but to what someone said to you. God bless you for all you are doing to cope with the enormous loss you have only so recently faced and continue to face every day. My thoughts and prayers and tears are with you.
Besides, I do believe while Erin would want you to be happy, she also knows you are human. She knows the pain you feel. She will give you that license to wallow for a spell, and then she will turn the sprinkler on and challenge you to run through it.
As Teri Garr said in Tootsie
ReplyDelete"I'm going to feel this way until I don't feel this way anymore"
Give yourself a break and stop trying to be brave!
If I were you, I would be in a fetal position,in a corner, unable to move. The fact that you have ANY "Brave" moments is amazing! You need to go out in the back yard and scream at the top of your lungs. Punch something. Cry until Keenan is soaked! It's SO okay to be sad, angry, hurt, confused and scared. Scared of a future without Erin. And scared your broken heart will never heal. It's okay to feel...
Wallow in it Mare.
Love you,
Squant
Mary,
ReplyDeleteAs one of your "followers" I think I can speak for everyone and say that we are behind you 100%! You are human. It would be impossible to be happy all of the time after such a tragedy. We are your choir, your audience; feel free to vent away!
With all due respect to you and your family, I have to comment on the post by "anonymous." It seems so obvious that this person is neither a mother, nor did they lose a child. Because if they did, there is no way they would write such a ridiculous message. As one of Sarah's closest friends, I know some of the most intimate details that the family had to go through during Erin's diagnosis, treatments and the days, weeks and months leading up to her passing. You should be ashamed of yourself for writing what you did and as far as I'm concerned, you appear to be a coward who won't even sign your own name.
Mrs. Potts, I am going to stop because I don't want to diminish your blog with my comments and I don't want to offend your readers. I think it's amazing what you are doing.
And there is one thing I do agree with that "anonymous" said - it's your blog - write what you want!!!
Much love,
Chrissy Schurla
PS - see you Saturday!