Please, Light a Candle on Sunday

The Compassionate Friends is an organization that provides vital support to bereaved families through a nationwide network of Chapters and with numerous online resources.

Last June I began attending meetings at our local Chapter, and I must say it was initially with great reservation. Typically not one to do the group grieving thing, I decided to go to the first one just to see what it was all about, figuring I had nothing to lose. If it wasn't for me I could walk out the door afterward and never return. At that very first meeting I learned it was for me.

I found solace in being with my own kind, and now attend the monthly meetings where we talk about topics of relevance to us all. The deaths of our children have come in many forms ~ illnesses, suicides, accidents ~ but there are enough parallels in the aftermath and devastation we all experience, and we easily find common ground.

We speak about our children ~ openly, freely. For a couple of hours I don't have to pretend everything is fine if it's not. In my day to day life I often find myself holding back in situations to spare the listener feelings of discomfort, not wanting to burden them with my heavy load. Not so at the meetings.  I can be unguarded, and what's said there, stays there. It's a safe place. I can go from happy to angry to tearful in 1 minute 13 seconds and no one bats an eyelash.  No judgement is passed. I'm not considered psychotic.  We tell stories, share survival techniques and we listen to one another's words with respect. We laugh, we cry, we eat cookies and we feel less alone in our collective yet unique grief over the deaths of our children.

At the end of every gathering we join hands, and each of us says our child's name aloud, "I remember Erin..." ~ a unified, connected circle of reverence for the ones we struggle daily to live without. Personally, a moment of holiness that steels me and helps me to walk out the door and face life without Erin.

On Sunday, Dave and I will attend our first Candle Lighting Ceremony,

an annual event detailed below.

Group members describe the ceremony as spiritual, beautiful, sacred...

From The Compassionate Friends Website ~

The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, creating a virtual wave of light, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor the memory of children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries.

Now believed to be the largest mass candle lighting on the globe, the Worldwide Candle Lighting, a gift to the bereavement community from The Compassionate Friends, creates a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone.

Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but will never be forgotten.

The Worldwide Candle Lighting started in the United States in 1997 as a small Internet observance but has since swelled in numbers as word has spread throughout the world of the remembrance.

In 2009, information was submitted to TCF's national website on services in 15 countries outside the United States. In total, we received nearly 530 services. TCF has been joined in recent years by chapters of several organizations including MISS, MADD, Parents of Murdered Children, SIDS Network, Gilda's Club, and BPUSA and services were held in all 50 states plus Washington D.C. and Puerto Rico. There is no way to know how many hundreds of additional services were held in the U.S. and around the world without the information being to us.

The Compassionate Friends and allied organizations were joined in 2009 by local bereavement groups, churches, funeral homes, hospitals, hospices, children's gardens, schools, cemeteries, and community centers. Services have ranged in size from just a few people to nearly a thousand.

You are also invited to post a message in the Remembrance Book which will be available during the event at TCF's national website. Last year in that short one day span, thousands of messages were received and posted from every U.S. state and Washington D.C., every territory, as well as dozens of other countries, some in foreign languages. The Remembrance Book will remain accessible to read until the 2011 Worldwide Candle Lighting.

What an extraordinary thought... all those lights burning in all those places at the same time.

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Please consider pausing on Sunday evening, when the hubbub of the weekend has settled, to light a candle in your home at 7:00 PM, in memory of Erin and any other child who has touched your life and left this world far too soon. Think of the ways those individuals have impacted you. Say a prayer or read poems or inspirational, reflective quotes. Play some music. Imagine their lights shining forth. Speak their names out loud. Tell stories of times past. I remember when...

Yesterday, a friend shared one of her fond memories of Erin that I hadn't thought about for such a long time ~ when she used to join in with the "big girls". She's pictured

here, with the cheerleaders from Chris' 8th grade class
when she was three years old

and here, with Sarah's 8th grade group the following year
when she was four.

She reminded me of how Erin loved to tag along with the older kids - never intimidated and certain that she could fit right in with all of them. I couldn't find photos from the Pet Parade day she wrote about, but I think these tell the same story. Thank you for sharing this memory with me. Remembrances of a healthy Erin. A specific recollection of one's child is one of the greatest gifts you can bestow upon parents. Dave and I had such fun searching through the albums to find these, and then remembering how wonderful those days were. Weren't we so lucky to have her?! This is the stuff that keeps us sane.

If you feel comfortable, please share an I remember when... in a comment below. Your thoughts truly help us move forward.

And please, light your candles.
Spread the word.
Thank you.