I Remember When

I'm deeply grateful to all of you who set moments aside on Sunday evening to light your candles in memory of Erin and other beloved children who've passed away. Thoughts of all those flames glowing in your homes evoke warm, peaceful images and set a welcome contrast to the many scenes filling my head during these fret-filled weeks leading up to December 18th, today especially. I'm sorry to say that we are looking at a malignant sarcoma, most likely Ewing's... It's a minefield, a perilous walk through a nightmare from which I can't seem to awaken.

I love the comments some of you shared with me, your I remember when...Thank you! You see, those of us whose children have died have a daunting task before us. On a daily basis, we have to practice the delicate art of working to move forward in everyday life while clinging desperately to the past, because memories are all we have left. That, and articles of clothing still hanging in closets, favorite movies in the drawer, a schoolbag in the corner... In order to keep our beloved alive in the present, we have to talk about them in the past tense, in memory, and we have to do so in a way that doesn't make the listener run away because we've mentioned their names.

You and your children make new memories through everyday living. There is a present and there is a future. Since I can't say ~ Erin will be coming home for Christmas break on _____

I say ~ yes Mrs. B, I love your comment and I do remember when Erin was in kindergarten; a little girl with her new going-to-school haircut, a confident, youngest-of-four kid on her way out the door, so excited to finally be where "the big kids go". You're right, she was not typically a girly girl, but I remember when it was the day of the Spring Fling and she wore a pretty dress and my mom was there with her. They sang "Oh, you beautiful doll, you great big beautiful doll." I remember when I was so grateful that my mom was so full of life and energy at the age of 85. Bunny adored her grandchildren and never missed an important event in their lives.

I can't say ~ Erin invited a bunch of people over tonight, so I have to run to the store to stock up on pop and chips and pizza.

Instead, it's ~ Maureen, I have to say that although I don't have a photo to prove it because the two of you were hiding in the closet at school while I was working, I have no doubt that the two of you were up to such things! I'm only surprised there were any ice cream sandwiches left over because Denise usually tried to horde them. Ice cream was one of Erin's favorite treats, and I remember that chocolate, mint chocolate chip and moose tracks were the ones she liked best. I remember when she ate her last bowl of ice cream while sitting at the diningroom table in the wheelchair, typing messages to her friends on Facebook just a few days before she died. She thoroughly enjoyed it. It was chocolate, from Oberweis.

Several people have told me they're hesitant to bring up something about Erin in front of me, afraid they'll make me sad or make me cry. The reality is that I'm sadder if you don't talk about her. It makes me think you've forgotten how important she is to me. Silly, right? Maybe you just don't know how to bring up the subject. Just talk about her, please! And don't worry about making me cry. For heaven's sake, I cry at the drop of a hat and it's OK if I do. I also laugh easily, and welcome the opportunity to do so.

I can't say ~ Erin had a great volleyball season this year. I'm really proud of her. She had _____ total assists, and no, the team didn't win the conference tournament. Maybe next year...

But I can say ~ oh Martha, I certainly do remember when we went to Houston! You are right. It was hot, humid and rainy. The girls played like crap! Some of them were crabby, some of the parents were crabby and, if I'm not mistaken, I believe there was a bit of 13-year-old drama going on. Nope, I doubt anyone got Erin on a roller coaster!

I want to hear about people's children. I love it when Erin's friends write to me and keep me updated about life's latest comings and goings, school decisions, career choices, boyfriends... I feel a little part of Erin in each of them.

I think I speak for all those in my shoes when I say that we all carry the deep-seated fear that you'll forget about our children who've died. The activities of the present overshadow the memories of the past. Out of sight, out of mind. Erin lived it and I'm living it. It happens. Life goes on. It's the way of the world. Memories fade if they're not kept alive by people talking about them, out loud, to one another.

Gabby, you look gorgeous!!! You made such a grown-up decision to donate your hair to Locks of Love. I'm so glad your mom told you about Erin because it makes me happy when people talk about her to people like you who never got the chance to know her. I want kids like you to know that Erin was a good student, a good athlete, a hard worker, a good daughter, a good sister and a good friend.

Gabby, I remember when Erin lost her hair because of chemo. It fell out in clumps, three different times. We had to shave it off. It's embarrassing for kids, especially teenaged girls, to have to be bald. It was fine when she was hanging around the house or with people she knew really well, but when she went to school or out on the weekends she was so grateful to people like you who make the choice to donate their hair so they can make pretty wigs. Thank you so much.

While Erin may have "inspired with strength and courage", I remember when a certain someone was always a good friend to Erin, before and after she got sick. A friend who was always just a block away. A friend at school and away from school. A friend to hang out with. A friend to go to a dance with, seems like so long ago.

I remember when that friend took the time to visit Erin in the hospital during just about every in-patient chemo treatment. A friend who didn't stand at the foot of the bed and stare at her like she was a rare museum relic, but rather handed her a milkshake, ignored the IV pole with dripping chemicals, shoved her over in the bed, sat down next to her and said, "I brought Catch Phrase this time." A friend who attended her graduation party. A friend who helped lay her to rest at Bronswood. I remember.

I don't get to say ~ Erin was really irresponsible last weekend. She was drinking and was dumb enough to get caught. She is in so much trouble!

But, I can say ~ yeah Denise, I'm laughing as I remember when a certain branch on a certain tree was accidently broken in an "oh shit" moment by a certain junior high girl.  Then, a certain someone took photos of the occurrence for another certain someone who was always terribly concerned about his property, and yet another certain someone (who I'm sure is up in heaven laughing with Erin about this as I write) had to give this certain junior high girl a behavior notice when she lied with the intention to protect her mother. Where IS that photo? We kept it hidden in my desk and referred to it when we needed a good laugh. Hmm, how many of you can figure out the identities of those cryptic certain someones?

I can say that Erin was pretty nervous when she went off to college, considering her health situation at the time. In spite of her fears, she did it!

Chrissy, I clearly remember when we brought Sarah to that first day of pre-season. On the one hand I had this young girl who was really nervous about being away from home, yet so determined to fulfill her dream of playing college volleyball. She stuck her chin out and walked into that team meeting, with a deer-in-the-headlights look on her face that I'll never forget. On the other hand I had Erin, with her face buried in my stomach as we chatted with the other families in the hallway, bawling because we had to "leave my sister here!". You guys came out of the meeting so the freshmen could say goodbye to their parents. Dave had gone to get the car, and I took Erin by the hand and while trying not to lose it myself, walked out of the building with her. I didn't look back; was scared to. Yes, Erin was just eight at the time, and I can see it in my mind. Thank you for painting the picture for me.

And I also remember when I was thankful to leave this scared little freshman in the capable hands of such wonderful teammates, good friends to this day.

I can't say ~ Thank goodness Erin found a job! She'll be working at _____ for the summer.

So I say ~ Sandy and Rich, you're right. Erin was a gym rat. She had no choice but to hang around with me while I coached volleyball and supervised all those basketball and football games. She knew her way around the school as well as I did. She knew where everything was kept. She insisted on a percentage of my salary! No, it was really her second home and it was wonderful. She loved it. She was everyone's little sister, part of the St Cletus family. And then it was her turn to play, and boy do I remember when that finally happened. Oh, how I miss those days.

I'll never be able to say ~ Erin is engaged! We're so excited. We love the guy. Her dad is going to walk her down the aisle on _____.

Instead, I can say ~ I remember when her dad was one of her 8th grade basketball coaches. Katie, I'd so hoped to find an old cheerleading picture with you in it but I couldn't, and so as you said in your comment, I remember when your dad was Erin's 8th grade basketball coach and Mr Potts was his assistant. Your dad was a good coach and had a great run with this particular team. He is a thoughtful, kind, considerate man who always asks about my family first when we run into one another. You should see the way his eyes light up when I ask about you. It's pretty awesome!

I won't ever say ~ Erin is going to have a baby! Oh, I wonder if she'll love to swim as much as her mom did. She was such a fish.

But, I can say ~ Betsy, I remember when Erin swam in your pool more times than I can count. I remember when they played all those games, throwing balls, screaming with laughter, taunting one another, jumping off the shed and creating tidal waves in the water. There are no photos of that because you weren't supposed to know - hee hee. However, here is a photo from their younger days; lots of hot and lazy days before the rafts were destroyed, with dads in the background, looking on.

And I also remember when Erin's hair was falling out for the last time, in July before she was to start college. She was in the water, so hot and going nuts because she couldn't dive under because she'd shed in the pool. She finally looked at Mike and said, "Go get the clippers." They got out of the water and she stood in the yard while he shaved her head, her beautiful dark hair falling in clumps to the grass. I was rooted to the middle of the pool, feeling both sick to my stomach with the knowledge I'd never see her with hair again and so damn proud of her for having the guts to just get it over with. Afterwards, they both got back in the water. She dove under, came up, rubbed her bald head and said, "Ah, much better!" Oh, I remember.

I can't say ~ Erin has decided to major in _____. She started out wanting to do ______, but changed her mind because she was inspired by this person to pursue _____.

But, I can say ~ Karen, I remember when we'd go to the pumpkin patch on Columbus Day. I remember days when we'd load all the kids into the car and go to the zoo for a few hours in the morning, before lunchtime. I remember when the kids had the chicken pox at the same time and they hung around together, running alternately from our front porch to yours, smeared with calamine lotion and drinking lemonade in the hot afternoon. I remember when some other little girl's smile lit up the world as well.

Now that not-so-little girl is making her mark in this big world, with a little "e" tattooed on her wrist too, reminding her of her buddy erin.

And, I have to be able to say ~ my daughter died. Do you hear me? Damn it, don't walk away! I remember when she got sick. They told me so, four years ago today. TODAY! She got cancer and all the chemo and surgeries and radiation didn't work and she died and it was awful and I'm so sad that I find it difficult to breathe sometimes. I remember when I knew how to do so many things. I remember when my life was so different, so good, so purposeful, so full...

I'm left with my memories. I have to live in the past and still move forward. I have to integrate the two worlds as seamlessly as possible. I'm learning how. I have to carry Erin's light and legacy with me. I have to be able to speak freely about her, say her name out loud just like I would say the names of my other children. I have four children ~ Chris, Sarah, Matt and Erin.
I remember when...