Why Do I Write?

Good question!

After living in the cancer world for three years, I'm struggling to find my way back into the land of normal. You might think it would be a no-brainer. Regular living should look SO appealing after spending countless days and nights in the hospitals, chemo out-patient centers and waiting rooms. Yes and no. You can't run away from those places at the time because you HAVE to be there, and after a while they BECOME your way of life, and in a crazy way few understand, they evolve into very secure places. People take care of you there. You don't have to explain anything to anyone. They understand. They even bring you the comforts of tea and a heated blanket when they notice you need them. In my case they cared for my child, but any of you who are parents know that when someone cares for your child, they care for you in turn.

If you've been reading my blog, you know I began writing at the end of February, after the encouragement of some friends who thought I might have something to say. I'll reiterate my lack of formal training in writing, and therefore apologize for flaws in grammar or lack of proper flow. I'm an accounting major, former school office jack-of-all-trades & athletic director, and nurse shoulda-been, wanna-be. Now there's an interesting package.

Throughout the three years Erin was sick, I sent periodic, informative emails if there was a specific situation calling for the dispensing of news. There is a wonderful service called CaringBridge available to people who wish to share information about their loved ones who are in a health crisis. This free, online service allows you to set up a website and post ongoing information so you're not repeating yourself 136 times when people want details about the person who is ill. We chose not to use this service for a couple of reasons; the main one was that Erin wanted no part of it, preferring to be known as ERIN and not "Erin-with-cancer", and also because I just didn't have the energy at the time to update and detail a website. My blog has become my way of sharing what I just couldn't talk about then, and now can, so you will find my entry subjects leaping all over the place; from dark diagnosis days, to treatments and surgeries, to all-consuming worries, to reasons for gratitude, to some random photo...

Welcome to my head! This is truly a way of inviting all of you to periodic gatherings at the residence of the Sane Mary and the Crazy Mary. Grab some coffee and a donut, and come on in. It can be an experience!

I begin a post by simply writing what I feel at a given point in time, sometimes dictated by a memory flash-back, good or bad, or perhaps by an event such as the Blood Drive. Because there is the possibility that someone will actually READ what I've written, I focus more carefully on the expression of details that might otherwise go unnoticed. As I reread and edit, I'm forced to delve into the subject matter of that particular post, rather than merely scratch the surface and move on.

That deep digging helps to process things that, at the time of occurrence, I just forged through with my head down because I was so intent on Erin's situation-of-the-time that I couldn't think clearly. Some ask why I WANT to go through all that, since the writing brings me to a place of such concentrated depth . Good question. After writing a heavy post I'm often exhausted, as a child after a tearful temper tantrum, but it allows me a chance to move on from that particular experience with a greater understanding of it. The articulation of a situation often relieves a certain amount of the intense emotion. I fear if I don't go through some of these things now, they'll surface at a later time in an undesirable fashion - most likely anger because what the cancer physically did to my daughter was evil and ugly, and if I don't attempt to do something positive with it, I could self-destruct. And sometimes I just want to wallow in the sadness because, damn it, I deserve to!

I'm not always able to write about heavy topics even though it's cathartic. Due to the draining nature of it all, I often choose to intersperse my posts with fun things that make me happy as I compose them, including photos, quotes, etc.

The combination of purge/relief and focus on joy, helps push me outward beyond the grief to my ultimate goal, as author Anne Lamott aptly expressed and I posted in my sidebar quote - Living with a broken heart and learning to dance again.

And, please accept my apologies if I get a bit preachy every now and then. Sometimes my goal is to extend an invitation (to other parents and also to Erin's peers) into a world that exists beyond the realm of what the majority of you will ever experience. Viewing can be done from the safety of your own living room couch or dorm room chair, without the dreadful cost-of-loss admission I had to pay. Most of you will not have a child die from cancer. Very few of Erin's peers will be diagnosed with cancer at this young age. Thank God! However I found my own blissful, pre-cancer-experience lack of awareness was not always a good thing. As difficult as it was (and I would NEVER have chosen this by free will) - still is and forever will be - to go through, I find myself in an enlightened state of empathy and understanding of which I had been oblivious. That other side of the coin is SO scratched, but has the potential to shine brilliantly with proper attention. I've been taught faith, endurance, perseverance, acceptance and hope on an up-close and personal level. I found courage to do things I would NEVER have thought possible.

Through the "rabbit hole" of the internet, I've found other mothers who are some steps ahead of me on this path, and as I follow their bread-crumb-trails of experience and wisdom, I steadily gain courage that I can continue to do all this and survive. This exclusive club of mothers, that requires an exorbitantly high fee of its members, is not in my own backyard since this is a rare experience in relation to the general population's challenges. I walk through my days as the exception to the rule, as did Erin. My situation is a unique one around my neighborhood, and one that few people really understand. And, why should they? I certainly have trouble and I LIVE it! So, it is a comfort to find a familiar soul who is groping along this same road, and I've unexpectedly heard from some who have also found me in their quest to be with their own kind. I only wish I could sit and look them in the eyes and not have to converse through a computer screen.

In the past when I sent emails, you as the reader had the "delete" button at your finger tips. Now, if you want to read what I've written you must enter my blog by choice, so I can't force thoughts upon you. I'm not sure who reads what I write because most people don't write a "comment" at the end of my posts. I receive some emails from individuals who say they'd rather respond in private, and others say they don't know HOW to "comment". Many stop me in the neighborhood to chat. Thank you, each of you, for taking the time to read and then talk to me, for I appreciate your feedback and encouragement.

So really, the answer to the Why Do I Write question?
BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD!