Taking Some Deep Breaths

and changing things up a bit!

During times of stress, the pines in our back yard often provide a serene focal point while I reflect on unpleasant situations and make decisions regarding matters of importance. Such has been the case over the past few days.

It's unfortunate that "anonymous" chose to make a personal situation a public spectacle, and the inappropriate manner in which she voiced her displeasure elicited quite an outpouring of opinions ~ both in posted comments and through the emails sent by those in support who preferred to express their concern in a more private setting or, in one particular case, contained 4096 characters and exceeded the limit allowed by Blogger. Imagine that one! Over the course of the past few days, I was repeatedly drawn back to the words I wrote near the end of that post.

These days I work diligently to straddle the gap that is my existence, attempting to find balance between the world where I once so-happily lived and the life I was forced to enter almost four years ago on December 15, 2006. Much initiative is required to maintain relationships, and on many days the scale tips heavily one way more than the other. It's an ongoing learning process, an enlightenment in the natural tendencies of the human race.

Some natural tendencies of the human race presented themselves in outstanding fashion; among many, the inclination

~ to be critical and unkind when one feels threatened
~ to allow bitterness to dictate better judgment
~ to have one's protective instincts rise to the occasion
~ to rally together in support of one whose character has been attacked
~ to make the choice to remain silent
~ to focus on love

... and obviously the list could go on.

Erin's cancer diagnosis, and the world into which I was forced as a result, has caused me to be a different person in so many ways, and that is often difficult for some to understand. My life is every mother's nightmare and I can't possibly be who I once was, but I can't say that I'm disappointed or ashamed of the individual I've become. I won't bore you with a list of my character traits, both positive and negative, but I think through my writing you can get a pretty good idea, and many of you reside in the community and therefore have known me on a personal level for years. To state the obvious, my whole world changed as my mostly-tidy life that I didn't fully appreciate at the time fell apart with my daughter's cancer diagnosis. When my primary focus became Erin, my relationships with nearly everyone I knew had to change, some very dramatically, because there just was not enough of me to be distributed around any more.

Life now often presents the challenge of figuring out where I belong again, and I'm sticking my big toe out to test the waters of the world that just keeps moving whether I'm on for the ride that day or not. Most of the time it's up to me to jump into the driver's seat, but often it can be really scary, especially since I've fallen flat on my face several times in recent months under a variety of circumstances.

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The events of yesterday are a prime example of the way I continue to shift my balance from one foot to the other between the two worlds I straddle, and as a result I often wind up feeling pretty weary by the day's end.

After again reading the blog comments written by family members and friends both old & new, I checked my inbox and found emails (yes, plural - she is the one who has trouble staying within Blogger's character limit) from the friend of a friend. While I've never even laid eyes on this woman and she's blessed with healthy children, she somehow GETS IT, an uncanny amount of IT. She has been a persevering voice of strength and encouragement during some of my most difficult times ~ her blog comments and emails, another hand stretched toward me in the dark... my friend from Ohio.

The words and an old photo in my post gave a friend from high school, from whom I'd not heard in quite a while, the gentle nudge she needed to finally just pick up the telephone and call me. That teary phone conversation resulted in the two of us spending yesterday together; laughing, reminiscing, updating one another about our family members and talking about Erin. This woman, with whom I'd once shared a part-time job at the corner drug store, boy troubles and my clothes, is now the mother of four, her youngest ~ a daughter, Erin's age... my dear friend.

The Prosch Pharmacy girls, summer 1975.

Finally, last night I was curled in a ball on the couch while I spoke on the phone with one of the mothers I mentioned in the post, whose daughter had been admitted earlier in the day to the hospital for pain control. And my heart just hurt as I crawled into bed holding Erin's blanket... oh God, my friend ~ who today is shuffling down that hall to that break room with that stinky microwave, while I'm home sipping my fresh coffee from my favorite mug. My friend's beautiful name? Hope...

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While truly grateful for the support of everyone who "had my back" due to the comment, I've found myself sad that this unfortunate situation evolved into the prominent attraction of my blog post. My intention when I wrote it was to express my deep appreciation for the eclectic nature of the population of both the old and the new friends/acquaintances in my life.

I wanted to share the impact of those with whom I've developed relationships within the realm of the cancer world, and highlight images as they now present themselves in a way I couldn't see at the time due to my head-down-and-forge-ahead mission necessitated by Erin's needs throughout those years. That world stands in vivid contrast to the venues before those of the general population ~ the life where I once comfortably resided and developed those other cherished friendships about which I wrote; during my school days, in the bleachers of sports events, in places of employment and in the homes of the surrounding community.

I've walked in both worlds, actually still do, and I'm so blessed by the diversity of the individuals and the unique experiences of both environments that combine to make me the person I am today. I struggle to bridge the gap between these mediums of existence because while they're often in stark contrast, I'm trying to make one a complement of the other because that's where I now have to find a way to live... and be happy!

A place where, on the majority of days, the Advil of daily distractions only temporarily masks the pain caused by the removal of that part of me that was supposed to be here until I died.

A world filled with images which once looked like this

Christmas 2005

and have now become this.

Christmas 2009

Everyone is entitled to exercise their Constitutional right to Free Speech, and due to the public nature of this forum people can certainly say what they want, how they want. However, I would prefer to exercise my Pursuit of Happiness in this special blog space I've created among those who will either constructively criticize, share their own personal experiences and advice or offer hope-filled thoughts and words of love and support.

Together, let's exercise the more honorable character traits of the human race.
Thank you so much.