Look Before You Leap, Mary

Or own a good set of wings

that will enable you to coast, and then change course.

In a previous blog post I extolled my ability to multitask with a high energy level and near-neurotic attention to detail, and among my character traits listed a passionate enthusiasm for things with substance; the most prominent at this time ~ a focus on the cancer world and the effects of the disease on its victims inspiring my desire to smooth the path for those presently in the throes of it all.

I also talked about the way I typically dive into my passions head first or jump in with both feet depending on the circumstances. Yes, it's true. And it's also true that sometimes when that is either my instinctive reaction to a situation or my planned route of choice, I end up leaping in a less prepared fashion than I should. This carries the potential of a rougher-than-desired meeting with the ground if things don't line up as expected.

Well, with respect to my recent job endeavor, that rocky ground loomed with growing clarity each day as I tried very hard to deny what my gut was trying to tell me. In effect, I crash-landed with the harsh realization that I WAS WRONG! I resigned from my position at the end of last week.

Just when I thought I knew myself so well, I wound up discovering a whole lot more over the past several weeks, which really only serves to reinforce the awareness that I am not the person I was before December 15, 2006. This is certainly not a new self-revelation, but merely a vivid presentation in a new area due to my recent endeavor of leaping into full-time employment after not working in that capacity since before the day of Erin's cancer diagnosis, and doing so in a field I've only experienced on the receiving end.

I discovered the hard way that things are a whole lot different from the perspective of the patient, as opposed to the nuts and bolts of what actually happens on the other side of the counter. Yes, the nurses and other staff members about whom I previously wrote absolutely made our lives bearable, and most certainly did inspire me to pursue this avenue of employment, but an entirely different world exists from this other point of view, and I found myself unprepared for a good deal of it. I wouldn't have truly understood all this had I not taken the chance when this employment opportunity arose.

Through many a sleepless night, a DVD of valuable lessons played in my head. I had to hit the Rewind button on several, just to make sure I wasn't dreaming.

~ Things/jobs are not always what they appear to be on the surface. (a real no-brainer)

~ I am prone to having idealistic views of the way I WANT things to be as opposed to the way they really ARE at times. (take off the rose-colored glasses Mary, sometimes reality bites)

~ In a new situation, I have to walk before I can run, and at my age and after everything I've been through over the past four years, I'm only going to run toward something fulfilling. (there was not enough Gatorade offered on the job site to provide support for increasing dehydration)

~ I can still multitask with the best of them only when given the proper tools with which to do so, and I don't want to work all day every day at a frenzied pace because that environment doesn't afford the opportunity to be in the present moment with the people whose lives it is my goal to touch. (because the moments wound up being too fleeting and the setting too frantic)

~ I don't want to spend 10 hours away from home every day and return feeling so exhausted that there is nothing left in me to do anything except get things ready for the next day and go to bed. I've run on that hamster-wheel in the past, working 12-hour-plus days, and I just don't want to do that anymore. (there really IS life after the age of 50 and after 30 years of marriage)

~ In spite of hiding the Chivas from Keenan, I continue to find more evidence of shenanigans :)

Some may question a decision made too hastily without enough time given to adjust to my new surroundings and responsibilities. My response is to rest assured that even though I may not know exactly what I'm meant to do next, I DO know what doesn't feel right. The pace and setting of this particular job won't allow me to fulfill my professed intention to walk the walk and instead would only serve to run me ragged, and I have very strong convictions about my right to be as happy as possible after all I've endured.

You know, the great thing about wile e coyote (with a little help from the cartoon animators bestowing powers of super-human resilience and invincibility) is his ability to resurrect himself from the numerous crash-landings he encounters in his pursuit of the roadrunner. Yes, he often does wind up in a heap, but then he simply picks himself up, comes up with another brilliant plan and tries again. He hasn't caught him yet, but someday... who knows?

Stupidity or unfailing tenacity and resolute determination?

When your child has cancer, you learn to devise some brilliant plans in order to survive each crash landing and roadblock encountered as the disease stubbornly progresses through its stages. Those years taught me the value of heap-recovery and redirection of intended paths.

So, I'll go with tenacity and determination.

For now, I'll put on my lime green wings and coast,

and in time I'll figure out what comes next.

And yes, today marks 10 months...
Thanks to those who remembered.